


Self-Sabotage (Ron from 18 - 28)

by austinthegrouch



Series: Ron Weasley: A Boy in Parts [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Attempt at Humor, Bad Decisions, Break Up, Brother-Sister Relationships, Brotherhood, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Development, Depression, Developing Friendships, Emotional Baggage, Eventual Fluff, Family Dynamics, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Hermione Granger is a Good Friend, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Internalized Acephobia, Long-Distance Friendship, Male Friendship, Mental Health Issues, Multi, POV Ron Weasley, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romantic Friendship, Ron Weasley-centric, Soul-Searching, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 09:23:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16216133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/austinthegrouch/pseuds/austinthegrouch
Summary: The events of the Deathly Hallows have left everyone trying their best to pick up the pieces. Everyone's broken, but some are coping better than others.And Ron's not doing so well.





	1. Coloured Splinters

**Author's Note:**

> I've read a lot about how George, Harry, Hermione and even Draco or Goyle, react to trauma, but I've never seen a Ron perspective. This is my stab at it (the world always needs more Ron).

It's been a month since the battle when Hermione brings up going back to school. Harry immediately shuts her down and leaves the room, presumably to do whatever troubled war heroes did. Ron bets on him hiding in dad's shed, who seems to be the only one able to make anyone smile nowadays. Ron ignores the part that hurts so desperately, the part that burns because his bloody dad is being a better friend to Harry than him. He's (or was) supposed to be the one who's stable, with the good home life and sense of humor. Who reigns in Harry and Hermione at their worst, and supports them at their best. And he knows they need him, after the locket he'll never doubt that, but... 

There's always a but. 

"So, Ron, what about you?" Hermione gives him the tearful half smile she gives everyone recently. And that damages him even more. Because Harry belongs to the world, now more than ever, even if the Weasleys have a bigger claim on him than anyone else. But Hermione is _his_ and not in that old gross way like when Uncle Turnsend, that prat, used to call for his bird.

People would never believe it about the famous companions, and war heroes and celebrities in their own right, but... they are the only ones who really understand each other. She's the only one who can estimate how much he hides, even if she just skims the surface. And he's that for her. The one who reminds her about her limits and, sometimes, makes her forget she has any. 

And knowing that he's failing at the one task anyone's ever given him... the only task he's ever really wanted... it frightens him more than NEWTs ever could. So he gives the only response he knows will help her. Even if it makes Harry push him even farther away. 

"I think... I'm going back." Hermione, while not losing that damned melancholy, brightens up a bit. And that makes Ron feel satisfied for the first time in... a year maybe. He's still not sure about anything (and at the back of his mind, there's a little voice telling him he never will be), whether he really loves her, or if he can give her what she needs... but for now, he feels a little bit okay.


	2. too-smart friends and too-fast hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The train's nothing and everything like he remembered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Panic Attacks, PTSD Flashbacks, Mentions of Death

He gets on the train and it feels for a second that nothing's really changed since first year. He's still a nervous wreck and trying so hard to be brave. 

But then he snaps back to reality and realizes that everything else has. Scabbers turned out to be a pedophilic tosser. One twin is dead and the other tries to be. His mum doesn't get out of bed when she's not cooking and pretending everyone isn't losing their minds. Percy's still avoiding home (and him). And Harry's not here.

As if sensing the direction of his thoughts, Hermione grabs his hand. Ginny's still talking about how the candy on the Express is probably the best thing she's ever tasted honestly, and how now that she can afford it, she wants to buy everything on the cart. 

But that just makes the flashbacks worse and he can feel a lump in his throat that he thought he'd never feel after all the funerals. And he's acting like he and Harry broke up, like some girl in Mum's trashy old novels. He's overreacting like he always does. He knows that. But he can feel the building panic in the back of his throat, the concentrated disappointment in himself burning a hole in his stomach. He starts to choke and they turn back to look at him and ask what's wrong and he can't. He runs to the toilets and slumps against the door, trying to breathe. 

When he finally feels like he's not dying, he splashes some water on his face. Looks at himself in the mirror and tries to focus. He's here and alive. That's all that matters. 

He leaves and finds them again in the second compartment. Ginny looks at him the same way they all look at George or Harry, like he'll shatter at any moment, like he hasn't helped win a war (however small he feels his contributions were). Hermione's giving him that blasted half smile that cracks his heart in two (or five thousand) and he wishes he'd just claimed food poisoning. He doesn't explain. There's no point. He grabs a chocolate frog from Ginny's pile, to drown out the sharpness in his mouth and tries so desperately to be fine.

And then Neville walks in, breaking the silence with his squeaky shoes, and Ron has never liked him so much. He turns to face him and starts up a conversation about how much Diagon Alley's changed, is changing, and how they should've gone together. Neville sits next to him and Ron punches him lightly on the shoulder - there's a new casualness to their interactions that he rather likes - and they start laughing. For the first time since they've gotten on the train, maybe for the first time in a long while, he's not thinking about Harry or anyone he's lost or commitment or whether he really cares to try. Just that he wants to hear that laugh again. Wants to laugh again. And it's been so long since he's wanted that.

Hermione cracks a real smile this time and Ginny makes the worst joke he's ever heard. But it just makes them all laugh harder. 

And even if it's just for this moment, Ron's glad he decided to come back.


End file.
